This is a jotter I wrote years back. The scenario is entirely fictional, but I hope I get my point across.
[ What do you mean by love? ]
It stuck me so suddenly that you doubt me. Of course you do. Why else would you ask such a question.
” What do you mean by love? “, you said to my face with your eyes cold and sad. Your vision blurred by the tears you try hard not to let fall. It is the second time you ask after such a short moment. You need an answer from me. You really do.
But I open my mouth and found no word to say, not even I love you.
You ask a really big question – you know that – and I suddenly found myself unable to answer you. That is because I really don’t think I know. What do I mean by love? I mean…..
I watch you as your tears start to fall. I should have said something to comfort you, or some simple things I know would lighten you. But, no, I say nothing, because I know you won’t believe me, not now.
I cannot protect you from me. When I say I love you, I never mean I will never hurt you.
Because I will. In one way or another, I know I will. Somehow I’ll betray you, somehow I’ll wound you, somehow you’ll find your love wasted on me. My vision of love is never happiness nor a complete protection. I cannot offer such things to you because I cannot make you happy or protect you. I can make you smile once in a while, but that is all it is. I cannot prolong it. I cannot give you forever.
I understand your doubt. The longer I look into your eyes the more they scream to me for solace. But should I give it to you when I know It will not last. If I comfort you now it’ll be another lie. When I say I love you, I don’t mean I can hold you and soothe you from any pain.
You can scream names into my face. Yes, I’m many things. I’m selfish and cruel and maybe I don’t really know what love looks or feels like. I don’t even know what you mean by love. I’m many things but I’m surely not a liar. So I won’t lie to you that I understand your pain. A part of me do. But even if I do, what could be done about it?
I will understand if you leave. Maybe it would be better that way. But at the bottom-line, it’s your decision and yours alone to make. So I won’t say a thing to sway you. I don’t want you to leave, but I don’t want to hold you back either.
And you still look at me like you need some answer. I am sorry that I cannot give any. You are who you are and you have already made the judgment though you don’t want to admit it. Stay true and I’ll understand, but I won’t say the words you want me to.
” Why don’t you say something, ” you asked, ” Don’t you care about me anymore? ”
Care? Yes, I care, but how can I know what you mean by care.
I still keep my mouth shut tight. It’s not me you should listen to but yourself. Right now it’s not me you should look at, but your own broken heart. Now that you know me, will you let me hurt you again?
And I’ll understand anything, because it is you who choose. I won’t try to keep you here if that is my will alone and not yours. It’s your life and I want you to use it wisely, not out of hate or out of love.
That is what I mean by love.
~written by vekin@4-6Aug2008~