Dear Amanda,

Dear Amanda,

At first, I didn’t intend to write to you or about you at all. I guess yours and other like cases get to me a lot, so I don’t know how to write anything and still make sense. My intention of staying silent changed when I found a piece of writing I did from years ago, and I got into that young-me head space for a bit. I was a lot angrier back then, quicker to respond to things that move me than I am now. When I read that writing, I just thought of you and other young adults like you. So I thought I might as well give it to you. And because of that I have to write something. Bear with my rumbling a bit, then.

You know, I contemplated starting this letter with how have you been, but that just seems like the wrong thing to say when you have already told us in your video how bad you had felt about the things that had gone on around you. It saddens me that you did not find a way out of it before the pressure became suffocating for you, and so you had to take your life with your own hand. I’ll tell you one thing. When I was your age, maybe a bit younger actually, I thought suicide was a stupid way out of problems. But as I grew older, I realized that it is not even about getting out of problems, and it is not stupid at all. It’s a response to not being wanted by those to whom you are supposed to belong. I’ve been somewhere close enough to understand that feeling. Sometimes, it did not feel like this whole thing called life was worth it. To be honest with you, I still don’t dote over life like a lot a people seem to do. I just think life gives us the opportunity to change things. I don’t mean being great people, change the world, or any other kind of heroic thinking. It’s just that when you live you can affect people for good or for bad. And if it’s good and it makes them try to touch other lives in return, maybe life in general for all of us won’t feel so bad after all.

It took a long time for me to see that. I didn’t understand this kind of stuff when I was your age, couldn’t even imagine I would ever come up with that, honestly. I would suppose people your age won’t either, except for maybe a rare few who are gifted with that kind of insight. I guess that is why children can be cruel, young adults more so. They don’t know yet what one seemingly insignificant thing they do can do to others, and you only have halfway understanding of all the values and prejudices we have as humans. You don’t understand yet how community or society works and most importantly how people work. We all got it wrong all the time, don’t we? Even grown-ups do. I’m so sorry that those wrongs lead you to this. You’re a young woman, Amanda. Many wrong decisions can be made at that age when you are learning who you are and who others are. Some will be bad; I’m not going to lie. I’ve heard of a lot of things that easily surpassed yours, BUT what other people went through are not important in this case; it is what you went though and how it made you feel. I am so sorry that you didn’t see other way out for yourself.

I want to think that may be in another life and another time, you might have come out of it another way, become another person. Maybe because of that, you’ll choose to be there for others who are going through things like you and change those lives. It’s amazing how many can’t make it through because other kids, all lacking the same understanding, have singled them out and pushed them around physically, verbally, psychologically. I can give you their names if you like so maybe you can find them, wherever you are now, and talk about all this a bit: Sheniz Erkan, Eden Wormer, Rachel Ehmke, Teddy Molina, Jack Denton Reese, Kenneth Weishuhn, and Lim Seung-min. There are a lot more. These are just the people who had gone with you this year alone.

In another life, in another time, I hope you didn’t have to go this early. I hope you had someone who could make the difference. So this might be a prayer that has come too late in this time. I wish I knew how to play a guitar so I could sing this to you, but, well. I just hope that in another time it has not been too late.

“At World’s End”

God must be insane
Or else he’s just a fool
To ever allow you
The fate you’ve gone through

God must be witless
Or else he’s a pain
Because no one, and no one
Should be falling this way

Nowhere else for you to hide
But inside your broken shell
But I’ll be with you all the way

*
Even at the world’s end
I won’t let you cry
I will stay beside you
You will not be denied
Even as the world ends
I will find us a way
I will stay beside you
Until the end
Until the of our days

No one hears your prayers
No one answers your call
No one gives you guidance
They just let you fall

Even now, you’re shattered
You can’t even hear me
I don’t mind, I’ll stay
Just give your all to me

Nowhere else for you to run
No one grant you redemption
But I’ll be with you all the way

*
Even at the world’s end
I won’t let you cry
I will stay beside you
You will not be denied
Even as the world ends
I will find us a way
I will stay beside you
Until the end
Until the of our days

As long as we live
No one can take us down
Betrayal is a way
For our trust to be found
Deceiving as it seems
There’s no need for us to fear
Coz we’re always together
Our hearts and souls right here

*
Even at the world’s end
I won’t let you cry
I will stay beside you
You will not be denied
Even as the world ends
I will find us a way
I will stay beside you
Until the end…

Even at the world’s end
I won’t let you cry
I will stay besides you
You will not be denied
Even as the world ends
I will find us a way
I will stay besides you
Until the end
Until the of our days

Until the end
Our world would end that way…

Love, and, yes, that can be given to someone I have never met,

Vekin

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